Educators and parents have an opportunity to understand patterns in children who are distressed, emotionally unattached or struggling to connect.  Below are some ways, by developmental age, to understand patterns which can be headed off early with the right intervention. By making ourselves aware of these indicators, we can work more quickly with experts to get students the help that they need before more dangerous behaviors develop.

Fifth Grade and Under:

Anger is a signal emotion, says Joshua Sparrow in his Parent & Child Magazine article, “Manage Anger.” Anger can emerge in response to danger or sometimes as a form of self-expression. Young children are impulsive by nature and their anger can easily be triggered by always being told what to do, knowing bigger people have the control and that they will be made to do certain things. Children learn by example: Show your emotional intelligence by sharing your emotions with your child and showing how you will mindfully react. Share solutions with your child and encourage your child to add their input. When anger turns to aggression, Sparrows recommends using the following four techniques to help calm the child and help them understand their feelings:

1) Stop the action and restore safety: Isolate the fighters so they feel safe and in control of their environment.

2) Set limits: Show the children you are in charge by making the rules and stringently following them.

3) Follow through with consequences: A child has to know that his or her actions have consequences, and the only way they will understand this is by you showing them.

4) Forgive: Make sure you reinforce that a child’s actions were bad, not that they’re bad people. Make amends so guilty feelings don’t fester and it’s reinforced that they can avoid this bad behavior and punishment in the future.

Middle School -

Bullying that leads to teen suicides and mass shootings have become a terrifyingly common concern and reality in schools. According to Middle School Journal, research shows bullying usually peaks in late childhood/early adolescence, making middle school a crucial time for bully intervention. Also, even though mental illness cannot be prevented, early detection can minimize or prevent many disabling and distressing effects of a mental illness. Researchers agree that the most effective way to battle bullying is comprehensive and requires students, schools, families and the community to band together.

At one school, the drama department and the counseling staff came together to develop an anti-bullying program. The drama teacher wrote a play, Bullybusters, which played-out students getting bullied and how the deal with the bullying. A study on the effectiveness of the play showed dramatizing the bullying scenario gave students the necessary distance to learn coping skills from characters and also see bullying as a universal problem for their school. After the play, a discussion was held where students could talk about their feelings and share ideas on how to deal with bullying.

High School and Beyond-

FamilyFirstAid.com shows an effective progression of a life of violence through statistics. In the five numbers below, you can see how one act of violence is only the beginning of violent behavior that not only has consequences for the individual but the entire community.

Violence Warning Signs for Teenagers

The National Youth Violence Prevention Center has compiled the following list of warning signs that your teen may be having anger management issues:

Who are the people at school and in the community who can be of help to parents and teachers? StopBullyingNow.com says, bullying prevention should not be the sole responsibility of one person. Get involved at home and find support in the school from teachers, administrators, counselors and non-teaching staff. Finding a bully-prevention team may not be immediate, but once people see what you are accomplishing, more support usually follows. What other formal processes do you believe we need to put into place right now to keep students and others with these issues safe?  Join the conversation and let us know your thoughts.

Tomorrow, as the services begin for the victims in Tucson, we’ll look at ways you can help students on how to grieve  and honor those who have lost their lives.

Many teachers are struggling as they consider how to help their students deal with the tragedy that struck Tucson this past weekend.  Below are some suggestions to help you teach about these topics at each grade level and in so doing, pay tribute to those who lost their lives last weekend.

Elementary School Teachers—

For grades under fifth, focus on positive healing actions students can take to help the families or the people in Tucson.  They can make cards for the families of the victims, they can write letters to the editor about their hope for healing the families and they can bring to class some quotes or poems from home which they might discuss with their parents.  Encourage your students to talk about this in class so that they have a safe place to process their feelings. Also, have students discuss the tragedy at home by sharing their feelings with their parents and coming up with ideas on how to heal through prayer, positive thoughts or any other meaningful gesture of compassion that they can then bring to share in class.

Talk as a class about the qualities of Christina Taylor Green.  She was an “A” student, interested in politics and committed to making the world a better place.  What is one commitment that each student can make to themselves and to the class in honor of Christina’s bravery and courage?  How else can they honor such a wonderful person’s memory?  How do positive actions help us to pay tribute to those who have died?

Middle School Teachers—

Emotional Intelligence is a key topic for middle school students.  Connect the event in Arizona to ways in which students can brainstorm positive ways to resolve conflict by answering questions like:

• How can you recognize and manage difficult emotions within yourself so they don’t become rage at someone else?
• How can you peacefully learn to consider other people’s points of view especially when you don’t share those views?
• How can you use language that is gentle and supportive instead of accusative and insulting?
• How can your own actions as a responsible, compassionate person inspire the best actions from others?

Leading a group discussion around these issues can also show students how to be better listeners, be more considerate and be more willing to have a measured, non-reactive response to opinions, religions, political views and lifestyles which differ from them.  Creating a safe zone for tolerance is key to effective learning and strong communities.

Most of all, help students to understand the role of ritual and right action in crimes of hate and violence.   How can students stand up for right action and be beacons of tolerance and compassion for other students who are bullying and taking advantage of others?   How can you enlist the support of teachers, counselors and other school officials when you feel these matters are too challenging for you to handle?

High School Teachers-

Take this as an opportunity to brainstorm with students some of the ways in which students get emotionally stuck or “dug in” on their own views. Ask them to come up with  alternative perspectives to see things from alternate points of view.   How can they respect others with opposing view points? This is a basic principal of critical thinking and will serve students well throughout their school, professional and personal lives.  Developing the ability to be compassionate as a student will help them deal with challenges throughout their adult lives.

Ask students to select  different roles of people (or have them work in pairs)  who are part of managing this tragedy and ask them to write about their role before class.  Ask them to develop a positive, proactive plan for transforming the situation with as much composure and compassion possible for the people who are in the following roles:

• Mayor of the City of Tucson
• Sheriff of Tucson
• Speaker of the House of Representatives
• President of the United States
• Chief of Trauma at University Hospital
• Chaplains in the community conducting services
• Head of the newspaper
• Head of the FBI
• Federal Defender defending the assailant

Other roles or positions which could be considered—like should high schools and colleges have behavioral deans who can isolate and provide improvement plans to troubled students who pose a threat to others?  Or, should gun laws be more strict for people who have issues of mental health afflictions?

Alternatively, lead a class discussion on how Tucson can be a model for the rest of the United States for the courage, strong spirit and citizenship displayed by the heroes who were involved.  What else can the people of this community do to set a new standard for our country on how to peacefully and respectfully resolve conflict, protect our basic liberties and stand up for rights of citizens?  How can students act more peacefully and responsibly in class, at school, out of school and at home so that they are able to impact that outcome in their own lives as a start?

Finally, help students understand the role of ritual in remembering and honoring the sick or those who have died.  Whether students pray, light a candle, make a personal commitment to one new, positive habit or decide to volunteer for a new cause, each way of remembering and honoring others is personal.  Allowing students the time and space to be reflective and take small steps to heal their own hearts will help them to understand how, in their own way, they can begin to heal our nation.

As a native of Tucson, Arizona, I was stunned to hear of the events from this past Saturday. The Tucson that I know is a beautiful place where there are people who are open-minded, generous and willing to hear opposing views, people who work often and tirelessly on volunteer efforts, people who take raising their children seriously and people who work hard to contribute on their jobs and in the community as a whole.

Last September, I went to my thirtieth high school reunion. I saw these people again—Jeff who runs the southeast law enforcement charge for the police division, Jay who is a coach at one of the local catholic schools and who has risked his life to protect innocent citizens through his work as an undercover ATF agent, Marcie who drives each day to her job in Green Valley so that she can provide as  a single mom for her outstanding daughter, Jordan who works in development and spends countless hours volunteering within the community, Laurie whose work involves a towing business and faces the hardships of a small business in a down economy. In our high school, we didn’t have to believe what others believed, or share their same religion or even like what they liked to spend time doing in or out of class. We had a mutual respect for difference and we need to reinstill that mutual respect back into our society.

How can we help ourselves, our communities, our public officials and our young people learn from this tragedy in Tucson?

1) We need to open our minds. If we disrespect other’s opinions, we don’t have to disrespect them as people.   The best decisions are made when people can evenly and in a measured way discuss the pros and cons.  When opposition becomes personal, we shut down the ability to be our best and to get peacefully to the best global outcome.

2) We need to model positive conflict-resolution.  From talk show hosts to radio personalities and from elected public officials to parents discussing politics with their kids, we need to model a language and display our actions in a manner that is reasonable, non-emotional non-condemning. I agree with Tucson Sherrif Clarence Dupnik who said:

When you look at unbalanced people, how they respond to the vitriol that comes out of certain mouths about tearing down the government. The anger, the hatred, the bigotry that goes on in this country is getting to be outrageous. And unfortunately, Arizona I think has become sort of the capital. We have become the mecca for prejudice and bigotry.

(source: huffingtonpost.com)

If we can demonstrate self-control in these matters, then we will be able to be role models for young people who look to us for right behavior.

3) We need to hold ourselves and our nation to a higher standard. Our founding fathers built our nation on liberty and justice for all, despite opposing views, and we have long stood against tyrants, despots and others who threaten the fabric of our democracy.  For the courageous people who  have fought in wars to defend our freedoms and who are still deployed around the world today, we need to take this moment in history to recast our vision of America and our responsibility to our nation and to the rest of the world. In short, we need to be worthy of the people who have fought so hard for us.

4) We need to speak directly with our kids about this tragedy. All of us can take this tragedy as a wake-up call.  We can all learn to look within ourselves and find any of our own “vitriol”,  discord with others or feelings which we are harboring which can prevent us from being the best people we can be. We need to be emotionally intelligent—to own our weaknesses, to get help where we need it, to admit our frailities and to be strong in the face of sadness, difficult emotions and any feelings which keep us stuck. The ability to do well in life largely depends on how we teach young people to manage difficult emotions and the way we model that for them is how they will best learn.

Our hearts go out to the community of Tucson as we take this great setback for our nation and turn it into an opportunity to honor those who have lost their lives by being  better people ourselves and by taking our nation to a higher level at a time when we don’t have another minute to waste.  Tomorrow’s blog will focus on what teachers can do in class this week to help students process their feelings and be able to draw correlations between their own words, actions and peace in the world.

It’s back to school and time for teachers and students to find the focus for next semester and the approaching new school year. Below is an activity from the LifeBound curriculum for Majoring in the Rest of Your Life. This activity can be used in the first week of class to promote discussion and get students thinking positively about their future, reflecting on what they want for their professional, personal, and physical futures, and sharing their dreams with their peers.

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